Frequently Asked Questions
When it comes to sex, everyone has questions. Part of our mission at Sex Ed Boot Camp is to create a safe space for students to ask any and all of their questions about sex and sexuality. We pride ourselves on being able to answer your questions honestly and without judgement. Listed below are some of the most recent queries we have heard at our college presentations, with the answers we provided. If you don't find your question listed below, click here to "Ask Dr. Joni & Esther" your question!
1. My girlfriend insists that when we are sexual, we are also sober. I feel more relaxed after a drink or two. Who’s right?
Answer: Your girlfriend has a great point. While alcohol is often used as a social lubricant, when it comes to sexual activity, sober is best for a host of reasons. First of all, you will both be really in touch with your sexual response and all of your senses will be on fire. (Sexual activity is a natural high.) Second, alcohol dulls your sexual response and over indulging (to the point you may not remember your address) will make both partners useless in the bedroom. Third, alcohol and other illegal substances dull your brain, making it very easy to make bad choices, like neglecting safer sex techniques or fumbling around in the dark and making mistakes. Fourth, substances also make you a lazy lover, not a reputation anyone wants. And fifth, in some states, being under the influence while engaging in sexual activity legally negates consent - which means that anyone who was intoxicated can accuse their partner of rape and be within the legal context regardless of whether or not they really consented. Don't muddy the waters. Indulge in sexual activity with a willing and eager partner with all of your senses engaged and you will find that sober sex is the best kind!
2. I take medication for ADHD and sometimes my sexual response is slow or non-existent. Is this normal?
Answer: Unfortunately, this reaction is a common one. There are over 200 prescription medications that have sexual side effects, many of which are routinely given to college aged students. Some of the most popular are all the drugs for ADHD and many of the popular anti depressants. We have heard of many people who have successfully used nutritional supplements, meditation, yoga, and daily exercise to treat medical issues like depression and ADHD that do not have the same sexual side effects.
3. How do you feel about The Pill as a method of birth control?
Answer: The Pill is very effective when taken according to your doctor's orders, but there are risks too. If you smoke, you should quit, because smoking will kill you, and it will also make stroke and heart attack much more likely when on the Pill. There are also a wide variety of Pills available that use different hormones to prevent pregnancy. If you have any estrogenic cancers in your family (Breast, uterine, cervical, etc) you should tell your doctor and stay away from Pills that use estrogen. (Too much estrogen in your body will be stored in your fat tissues as a toxin, and may eventually mutate into cancer cells.) There are other side effects to consider too, including weight gain, messing with your menstrual cycle and symptoms and sexual side effects. Decide first if this method of birth control is right for you and worth the risks. There are also other things that can make the Pill less effective, like certain anti-biotics and the natural anti depressant St. John's Wort. Please also remember that The Pill gives you NO PROTECTION against the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, and so you must also practice barrier protection to stay safe, unless you are in a long term monogamous fluid-bonded couple. (Not sure? See the answer below to determine if you are ready to become a fluid bonded couple.)
4. When two people are completely committed to each other, like engaged or married, do you still feel they should use protection every time? Both people have been tested or were each other’s first.
Answer: If you are in a couple that is ready to make a lifetime commitment, the time might be right for you to become a fluid bonded couple. Our recommendation is to first make sure you fit these criteria:
- You both have a full panel of STD tests performed by a doctor.
- Wait while staying safe for at least 6 months and make sure you are both disease free.
- You both have been monogamous for at least one year.
- You both are truly committed to staying monogamous for the foreseeable future.
Once you meet these criteria, and you have made responsible choices for how to prevent diseases, we feel it is okay to become a fluid bonded couple. Congratulations!
ps. If you break up, you go back to safe practices immediately!
5. My girlfriend and I are sexual together and monogamous. I always put her pleasure first but I can never get her to climax no matter what I do. Help!
Answer: For women, allowing ourselves to experience sexual pleasure can be the biggest stumbling block to achieving orgasm. The first big step is to talk about it. What messages about sex did she get growing up? Is she a "good girl" and so she believes that she's not supposed to enjoy sex? From a logistical standpoint, she may also not know what turns her on. Encourage her to explore her own body, with or without you, so she can get in touch with exactly what acts make her feel good. Bear in mind that over 80% of women cannot climax from penetration. The focal point for the female orgasm is the clitoris, which can be stimulated using fingers, toys or a tongue. Most women need about 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, and how she likes to be touched - pressure, tempo, and directly or indirectly on the clitoris - is as individual as her fingerprint. Just be sure that you practice safer sex techniques (barrier protection) no matter what method you try. Take your time when you make love and be patient - sexual exploration, especially between young lovers, is about the journey, not the destination. By putting her pleasure first and exploring her body together, she will feel safe discovering her sexuality and sharing it with you.
6. What is the age of consent and why do I need to worry about it?
Answer: It seems to many teens that adults are always making a big deal about people having sex under the age of consent. Many young people think that if they feel ready to have sex and they use protection, it's no one else's business. But every teen needs to know the sex laws and what they mean. The age of consent is the age when the law says you can agree to have sex. In most states and countries, until you reach this age you can't legally have sex with anyone, however old they are. Sometimes the law is slightly different when the partners are of a similar age, but there is always a minimum age below which sex is illegal. Although many young people feel they are mature enough to know how to deal with it if someone tries to get them to have sex, some teens are not confident enough to know how to do it when you need to. Age of consent laws are there to stop young people from being exploited by adults. What the age of consent is depends on what state you are in - there are different age limits in different places, and in some places the age of consent is different for boys and for girls, and differ if you are heterosexual or homosexual. To find out about the age of consent in your country or state, please click here for a link to a very comprehensive and international list.